The sun is very bright, and the birds are singing loud today. I really appreciate these days when I can actually write outside.
I wish the car noise wasn't there, as it is ruining this overall moment of serenity... But, I just took my earphones from my purse, hopefully the sound of piano I have been listening to will help conceal the sound of the city life.
I really love traditional writing. It is my form of escaping from technology. Here in the middle of the park I can take a break from social media and keyboard, and enjoy my simple existence. It is a luxury to just exist in our modern society, and I am very grateful for the moments like this.
Ashamed of myself
Looking back at the person I used to be I remember how afraid I was of solitude. It's like I am a whole new person now...
I spent major part of my childhood alone, and I never truly enjoyed it. I used to play games where I had many friends, sing songs while swinging imagining there were crowds of people listening to me, and I was dreaming that one day all of this would come true.
But time went by and I slowly started to realize, that I actually felt more comfortable being alone. I had such a loud and rich "inner world" that constantly kept me occupied with thoughts and ideas, that I rarely experienced boredom.
I was a little bit ashamed of myself at first. My introversion most likely started from a thought that there is no one who will ever understand me, because even I struggled to understand myself at times. And I know it sounds dark, but honestly I feel like it's true in a way. Nobody would have understood me, because at the end of the day each one of us is alone to certain extent, and it's inevitable part of human's existence. We do feel lonely and we all have things we don't share with others and perhaps are even ashamed of.
It makes me sad to realize, that I used to fight a very important part of me, I didn't want to accept it. But at the same time it was important for me to go through that stage to rediscover myself. At some point, especially after my solo trip to Iceland, it all kind of started to make more sense to me: the feeling of peace and contentment that I had whenever I was alone, my thoughts and ideas about life.
It's like something clicked in me, and "the truth" was exposed: wow, all these people around me... They probably have same thoughts and desires, and most likely they feel misunderstood and lonely at times the same way as I do.
And all the living beings on the planet... If I can think about it even deeper. They are a part of this ecosystem, each one of them exists in their own way. And I am a part of it all.
I agree that as social beings we do feel disconnected in this society, where things and money mean more than humans' relationships. Where everyone goes their own way, and our ways very often do not cross. We can't share our deepest fears, at times "negative" thoughts and doubts about this life without a worry of being judged. And all of this does intensify our feelings of loneliness.
But once I realized that I am never truly alone, that there is a much deeper connection between me and other beings, everything has changed.
It has opened my eyes. There's no really such thing as "I", there is always "we". Every time when I start feeling lonely, I am reminding myself about this. I go to public places, I love looking at people around me, and I view them differently. There is empathy, care and perhaps some kind of undestanding in the way I see them. Once you shift focus from yourself, everything changes. I never feel as lonely as I used to anymore.
"When you feel that you are a lonely, put-upon, isolated little stranger confronting all this, you are under the influence of an illusory feeling, because the truth is quite the reverse. You are the whole works, all that there is, and always was, and always has been, and always will be," - Alan Watts.